June, and the trees have not forgotten me. Only two weeks until the days are at their ripest yet, long and swollen with promises. I keep waiting for the sunrays to turn golden but they are always pale - pale light always flooding rooms, no matter how empty. The flowers still blooming out on the grass, lilacs and pinks pushing their heads up through the soil. A leadup to the solstice that could be tedious but instead has arms full of surprises. Swallows filling the sky with keening wails as the sun sets and gentle song at the crack of dawn.
I am happy. Happiness is something that we tend to spend our whole lives searching for and then we don’t realise we ever held it until it’s already slipped from our grasp. I think it’s finally here again - a butterfly returning to me and resting its small legs on my wrist. I seem to have caught it without a net, which makes me scared for how long it’ll stay, but I swear to cherish it while it’s here.
I have a holiday booked in two weeks, after my exams finish. Lately all I want to do is skim my fingers across the surface of the ocean, quench my skin’s thirst with white foam, lie on my back while the sun melts onto Earth. I say lately like it’s something special but it really isn’t. All I ever want to do is smell the saltwater and get stuck in the endless cycle of sand / shower / sand. What a blissful life sentence that would be.
This summer will be a fresh one and I will live better than ever before. I will go to all the cafes I want to try. I will read a book every three days. I will go to parks with people and have picnics and go to museums and listen to music and I will make promises and keep them. There is too much in my past and now there is no room for me there so I suppose I will have to live in the present. I keep turning over pages in my journal and hopefully this summer will be the first time I don’t rip all of them out.
Right now I’m making time to live in between my exams. Life, in small doses. Reading books and studying philosophy and writing more poems than I have in a long, long time. The sun is out and I don’t mind that it’s pale anymore ; I tend to shy away from extreme passion. I want to be sunkissed, not sunburnt. Subtlety is my forte. I am closer to myself these days and it feels oddly liberating to exist.
Carl Jung said that in order to really know yourself you have to know the conscious and unconscious aspects. Remove the mask. So now in the quiet moments when there’s nothing else to do I focus on my own feelings. And opinions. Maybe all these random threads of self understanding can someday form a picture.
June is so beautiful. It has been raining for a few days, pouring down and washing away all the dirt and aching memories. How strange it has been, in fact - like the tropical monsoon has taken a trip down to London. Well. It has come, and we can’t do anything about that. So I welcome it with open arms and take walks anyway because nothing changes except the colour of the clouds. All the farmers are rejoicing and I want to dance too. To be part of something fruitful.
Dreaming of a land where everything is okay. In the rearview, it doesn’t seem so far away.
anahita.
I hope the rest of summer treats you kindly and your exams go well :3
gorgeous