i had a dream last night that god and i spent an afternoon rolling around in sunlit fields and laughing uncontrollably.
in my dream, god was a spirit, white and shapeless like dandelion tufts on the spring breeze. there were no expectations, no complicated curtsies i had to carry out in god’s presence. and god’s voice was sweet yet rich like honey, and god had a laugh that slips over you like water and lets you float with unmatched ease.
in the dream i ran through a field with knee-length yellowing grass and masses of coloured wildflowers, like forget-me-nots and california poppies. behind me came god, noticeable only by the slight breeze that tickled my back on an otherwise still and humid day. we ran and ran on until my mortal legs could take it no longer, and that was when i collapsed onto the grass and god begun laughing. laughing, as i do with my friends, simple and wholly and strangely human, in amongst the flowers.
we laid there for quite some time, me and god. i remember it vividly as if i was really there and it wasn’t just an odd dream. at one point it almost became lucid, the feeling of the grasses tickling my thighs and the insects hovering around my face starting me out of my sleep. i woke up twitching, calm yet unsettled by the sudden jolt into reality. for the first time in my life, i wanted to spend time with god.
there was no pressure, no formality like there should have been in the presence of the supposed creator. i could have sworn in that dream, done ungodly things in that dream, and all i would have received would have been a gentle tut, or maybe a chuckle. i was free to be who i was, without the eyes of the public or the constant reminder that god is watching and disapproving - no, god was right beside me, and i felt as though if god had eyes they would be kind and warm. we were like old friends instead of a creator and a product, like two girls instead of a father and daughter. the stiffness built up by organized religion and the air of obedience had both been destroyed in one fell swoop, to give way to comfort.
and perhaps i dramatise this dream too much, perhaps it was only a silly dream. but there was comfort in it, there was relief in it, there was something special about it. there was something strangely unnatural yet natural about frolicking in grassy fields with a supreme being, something comforting about bringing god down to a mortal level and reconnecting with someone society has placed on a pedestal so high up you can never reach them. it reminded me that connection doesn’t have to be forced, that religion doesn’t have to be forced, that god is different for everybody.
the dream ended abruptly after a butterfly flew into my face and ended with the sound of god’s waterfall-like laughter echoing around my head. god’s laugh tinkled, like fairies, yet if i had to re-dream the dream i think i would probably find more layers to the soundscape of laughter and voice. i think there would be birdsong embedded in god’s voice, and the sound of trees unfurling their leaves, and the sound of the first rainfall of autumn. and i think it would be divine.
anahita xx
sounding off bang bang kiss kiss,
~ diary of a doll
I love thiss
this is amazing i loved it so much